Nothing To Say

Nothing To Say

Jackie watched unmoved as her grandmother attempted to slowly lower herself into a chair, but gave up halfway through and collapsed into it. Her feet did not twitch with the impulse to rise and help, they remained resting steadily on the smooth hardwood floor. Once seated, her grandmother smiled warmly over the table at Jackie, but Jackie turned her head away to look out at the lake. The café had low glass walls that made the surroundings blur as though she was dreaming, but the deep sapphire of the lake and the even bluer sky was not affected.

When Jackie looked back, her grandma was still smiling pleasantly at her. Her grandma’s hands resting on the table looked both frail and rough at the same time, as though they had seen too much of the world. A dark blouse covered the rest of her pale arms reaching up to her neck, a small gold cross and chain peaking out from beneath. Jackie searched for another place to rest her eyes and they settled on her phone. When she picked it up, it had a familiar and comforting feeling resting in her palm. She had four unread texts, which sparked a flash of excitement inside her stomach. Julian was telling her to come over; her mother wanted to know how her afternoon was going; Katie was wondering if they were still going to that party together; her brother was hoping that she could come pick him up on their way home. She stared expectantly at her phone waiting for it to transport her to be with those people. It did not.

Her right knee began bouncing in agitation like a wind up toy out of her own motor control. She clenched every muscle in her legs tightly and slowly released each one in an effort to relieve the building tension inside. How much longer was this going to take? Her grandmother’s voice brought her back with a jolt. “I haven’t spent the day at the mall in a long time, I’ve forgotten how tiring shopping is,” her grandmother started. Jackie simply shrugged, although she too was tired and had eight shopping bags in the trunk that could explain why. The morning had been a flurry of bright shorts and cheap tops. Of her grandmother trailing behind as she strode from store to store on a mission to milk a credit card that was finally not her own. Jackie had chosen the activity, racks of overpriced clothes and loud top-forty music was not her grandmother’s favorite pastime. But now all Jackie wanted to do was go home and follow through with those texts. She had other plans, and this lunch was not supposed to be part of the deal.
A nameless waiter brought their sandwiches over and placed one in front of Jackie and the other in front of her grandmother. Jackie pulled up the top slice of bread, warm cheese stretching between them determined to keep the sandwich together. She picked the onions out and dropped them on her plate with disgust their sweet sent nauseating her. She hated crying, and onions always served to make her eyes burn and water. 

“How is school going for you?” her grandmother questioned after a moment leaning forward in her chair. “It’s fine. Too much homework,” she muttered shortly, swatting away her grandmother’s attempt at conversation as though it was an annoying fly. “How are all your friends doing, is there anyone special?” her grandmother prodded with a small, knowing smile. “They’re fine and no, not really,” she snapped. The agitation was eating at her and would swallow her whole if she didn’t get out of there soon. Her grandmother nodded as though given vitally interesting information and began eating her own sandwich calmly. Jackie’s attention was pulled back to her phone, the black screen no longer dark as one text after another appeared like credits after a film. She dove for it and opened them eagerly, each message promising new and exciting plans. Her eyes fixed on the screen, everything around her became meaningless background. Her grandmother sat eating her own sandwich quietly.

“Jackie!”  Jackie turned, dazed, her eyes finally focusing on her mothers form sitting next to her. “Yes?” she whispered hoarsely. She felt disoriented as though she was under water watching what was happening through the far away surface. Her black dress felt uncomfortably warm and constricting around her waist. She wiped sweaty palms on the scratchy cushion of the pew, barely hearing what the preacher was saying. Her eyes focused on the portrait of her grandmother next to the closed casket. Her grandmother was smiling warmly back at her the tiny cross and gold chain visible around her neck. She could feel it coming like an unstoppable tide, the sensation she tried her best to avoid. The picture began to blur as the dull ache behind her eyes increased and she struggled to blink the hot tears away before anyone noticed.

“Jackie go! It’s your turn to get up and speak,” her mother whispered urgently. Jackie turned to meet her mother’s expectant eyes. She twisted her hands together as tightly as she could in her lap. “I don’t have anything to say.”