Gone

Gone

            I stared into Kevin’s glimmering, amber eyes. Their radiance filled my soul with the warmth of a million suns. His laugh had a magical quality, blowing away my many worries and fears. I embraced him with crushing force. My insides felt like they were being stuffed with all the joy any person could ever need. I didn’t want to let him go. I never wanted to let him go.

            He faded away, and with him went my happiness. Come back... Please... I was now back in the realm of reality. I lay in my bed, heavy and immobile. I thought about opening my eyes, but what was the point? All I would see was a world which I no longer wanted to be a part of.  A world without Kevin.

            Kevin was 13, and his brother Travis was 17. My wife and I thought they were old enough to be home alone for a weekend, so, we decided to plan a getaway. The Friday we left, Kevin had a stomach ache. Travis suggested “Maybe you shouldn’t go.” To which, Kevin quickly replied “No I’m fine! Just go and have fun.” So we left. We were having a wonderful time, until Sunday. On Sunday we got a phone call, “Dad, I’m really sick.” His voice! The agony in his voice! I felt like I had just taken ten kicks to the stomach. We hurriedly packed and drove home as quickly as possible. By the time we got there, most of his pain had subsided. I decided to make him a bath, he got in and relaxed a bit. Relieved, I left him to himself for a few minutes. The next time I checked on him…

            Appendicitis… I thought through the word a thousand times. Appendicitis… Nobody dies of appendicitis. Not now, with all these new technologies and surgeries. Thinking about it made me nauseous. I failed him. He NEEDED me. And I was gone. Now I need him. And he’s gone. He’s gone...

            I opened my eyes, and regretted it immediately. The light made my suffering much more real. I couldn’t hide behind the veil of darkness. Everything was so cloudy. I couldn’t focus on anything but the gray ceiling. I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean, with millions of tons of pressure on top of me, my body seconds from caving in. I couldn’t cry anymore, but the pain was as strong as ever. The excruciating pain. Should I get out of bed? Or should I just lay here like I have for the past month? What was my motivation for getting up? What was my motivation for doing anything? I came to a conclusion. I didn’t want to live anymore. The torture needed to end. That was my motivation to move. I was going to get up, drive to the train tracks, and end it. End the never-ending nightmare.

            I looked over at my wife. I would have said goodbye, but somehow I knew that she was having a dream about Kevin. Waking her from a dream like this would be like removing her from paradise and welcoming her to the gates of hell. So I got dressed as silently as possible. I expected to feel some sadness or guilt for leaving her, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel anything. I walked through the hallway and into Kevin’s room. I collapsed face down on his bed. I could faintly smell him on his pillow, bringing back countless memories of hugging and cuddling with him as a child. Throughout his life, he had always smelled like the fresh air after spring rainfall. I took one deep breath in, and slowly arose off of his bed. “I’ll be with you soon” I muttered in a shaky voice that sounded nothing like me. I trudged to the car, got in, and turned on the ignition. I was ready.

The few short minutes that it took me to drive to the tracks felt like an eternity. I thought about my childhood. My parents. My education. My job.  And, of course, of Kevin. I wanted so badly to be with him. To join him. When I got to the tracks, I put the car in park. To the left, I saw the oncoming locomotive. I’m coming home Kevin! Suddenly, an image appeared in my head. I saw myself walking in the front door yelling “I’m home!” Then, I heard little footsteps and a tiny boy yell “Daddy!” I got on one knee, and absorbed the impact of Kevin running into me and hugging me. A smile appeared on my face. The first smile I’d had since Kevin died. Suddenly, I heard another voice, sounding slightly older. “Daddy!” I looked up from Kevin’s embrace and saw Travis sprinting at me full speed, a smile so big it nearly covered his whole face. Travis… Travis! I put the car in drive, and hit the accelerator.