I Don't Want You To

I Don’t Want You To

“Stop it, mom! Why do you have to ruin every night like this?” Cole whined as his fists curled up tightly by his sides and his brows furrowed. I know my brother is trying to help me, but it’s my job to protect him, not the other way around. He caught the look in my eye, and stormed off to his bedroom. My mother, Kathy, whom I call by her first name ever since she bluntly explained that she wished I was never born, glared at me with a cruel look in her eyes. Her long bangs were falling over her face, the way she lets them when she is too distracted by her own mind and the bottle in her hand to bother fixing them.

“Why are you still here?!” she yelled, squinting her eyes.

The dull orange hue from the kitchen lights glinted off of her brown hair. I hate those lights, they make me sick. Looking at them reminds me of all the times I have stood here before, just waiting to see what happens.

Just last night, I was cleaning up the shattered glass on the kitchen floor, and scrubbing the wine off of the wood. I look down at my fingers and notice the cuts on the tips of my fingers from the broken glass are still there.

“Well?!” Kathy exclaims again, flailing her hands in the air like she was trying to exaggerate her point. It’s the same thing every time.

Worthless. Ungrateful. Worst daughter ever. The words fill my head once again as I reach for the handle on the door. The cold wind of the night consumes my skin as the door swings open. Feeling a presence right behind me, I swiftly spin around, only to be abruptly interrupted by a fist. The force sends me stumbling outside, and the door aggressively slams shut behind me.

Finding my way around with my hands, I feel the rough texture of the brick ledge next to the lawn and sit down. My knees cracked as I brought them to my chest, and put my head in my hands. As the salty tears trickled down my cheeks, the scratches on my fingers began to sting...

After I picked up the pieces from the glass that Kathy dropped onto the floor, I threw them away and continued to wipe up the wine that was dripping down the cabinets. Her light snoring was breaking the silence until I heard Cole’s muffled sobs getting louder as he approached the hallway. I stood up quickly and threw the wet towels into the trash, and tried to look as nonchalant as possible. My brother slowly walked around the corner, his big blue eyes looking at me through his shaggy nut brown hair. His ragged old teddy bear dragged along the floor next to his feet. He pulled it up his face and hugged it, his tears soaking the bear’s ears.

“When is mom coming to say goodnight?” he whispered.

“Soon, let me put you back to bed.”

It was Cole’s birthday, he had turned ten years old earlier that day. He seemed quite immature compared to the rest of the ten year olds that he was friends with, but sometimes he surprised me.  After I walked him to his room, I found Kathy on the couch. She was passed out, her head back against the cushions and her mouth hanging open. There was a wine glass on the table, it was half full, but the rest of the bottle was empty. I woke her up to say goodnight to Cole, walked her back to her room, and she was asleep again in seconds. I already knew she wouldn’t remember this in the morning.

...The scratches on my fingers burning again, I lifted my head up. Why does mom do this? It isn’t fair. I hear Cole saying this in the back of my mind every night since he asked me. I quiver at the idea that one day he will have to face this for what it is. I won’t always be around to protect him from it.

I can feel my heartbeat in my face as it begins to swell up. It’s better if he doesn’t get involved, until he has to. I can take care of myself, with just enough energy left to take care of him.

I hear the front door open with a squeak, and see a small figure rush towards me. I’m surprised to see who it is.

“Get back inside, Cole, if she finds you out here you’ll be in trouble.”

“Mom locked you out, so I came to let you back inside.” Tears welled up in my eyes again when I realized what he risked to help me. “I don’t want to keep watching this happen, it scares me.”

We walked back into the house, quietly, wondering if our mother was still awake. When I heard her footsteps, I rushed Cole to the hallway, “Go put yourself to bed and-

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Kathy screamed at me. “I see you trying to brainwash him to think I’m a bad person too, I’ve seen it happen before!”

“Dad never brainwashed me, Kathy.” I tried to stay as calm as possible, but before I knew it she began to lift her arm when I heard Cole yelling. I turned and saw him with the phone to his ear, holding the list of numbers our dad gave us before he left.

“My mom is scaring me, and I don’t want my sister to get-” Kathy ripped the phone out of his hands before he could say another word, and he ran straight into my arms. “I don’t want you to be afraid anymore” he whispered up to me. Before I would let Kathy see me cry, I grabbed Cole and ran down the street. Hoping the people on the other end of the phone call got some sort of message; we waited to get picked up while he held onto my jacket, squeezing his fists as hard as he could.

“I don’t want you to be afraid either.”